In the vast and complicated world of parenting, there is a phenomenon of behavior that is not limited by education, social status or geography. It seems that every child who ever lived developed their own version of the death stare and the ability to rebel without using words.
I guess its possible that some parents just do not “parent” early enough and their children inexplicably feel comfortable yelling, screaming and being all kinds of disrespectful even well into the teen years. That is sad to watch a 12-year-old control the household. But for most parents, there is that foundation of “you don’t backtalk your parents” so the kids have to find another way to rebel.
It’s a beautiful and impressive art form
Every kid I personally know develops some sort of way of killing their parents with their blank stare, but they are smart enough to say “What, I didn’t SAY anything!”
Then we, as frustrated parents say something like “watch your attitude, young lady” and they can argue again “but I didn’t SAY anything”.
So, what exactly do we, as parents, do? Multiple studies over decades conclude that between 70% and 93% of all communication is NON-VERBAL. This means that parents have to do SOMETHING when they perceived the silent rebellion is having its way.
Rinse, wash, repeat
When our kids were younger (ages 4-12) and they walked off, stomped off or generally were giving attitude with their body language or their stare, we very kindly “made” them do it again.
Suppose your 10-year-old gets some news from you that he doesn’t like. He stomps off into his bedroom. We call him back into the room we are in and we say, “you know, that is not okay. Do it again.”
The record for us was 5 times
One of the kids had to repeat the same path from the den to their bedroom 5 times before they completed it to our satisfaction. At the time, that was not fun nor was it funny. Now, looking back, it’s stinkin’ hilarious. They want to let us know they are unhappy, and we want them to know that their reaction to our rules is not acceptable.
It’s really a dance. Sometimes it flows, sometimes it really is clumsy and a lot of mistakes are made.
In the end, the goal has to be this – THE PARENT IS IN CONTROL, but the message also has to be THE PARENT LOVES THE CHILD.
AGES 14-19 – Just give up, seriously
I am just kidding, but for real, the silent rebellion takes on a different, darker, more sinister tone during this 5-year stretch.
While we haven’t mastered this on any real level, we found that complete honesty is most effective.
“You know, we don’t like it when you give us attitude, and we are sure that there are things that we do that you don’t like. We want to help you transition from a child to an adult, and these next 5 years can be hard, simply because we still want you to be innocent and dependent and you want to move on in the world and spread your wings. We want that for you, too. It’s how soon and how completely that happens that we will fuss about. Be patient with us, and we will be patient with you.”
Elvis saved his life
One of our children, at age 16, made us mad every minute of every day for about a year. But he had gotten into 80’s rock music and Elvis Presley. He walked around with a Bluetooth speaker hanging from his belt buckle blasting that music everywhere he went. I once told him the only thing that has kept me from being provoked to violence was his great music choices.
Here is the sad part. One day, they will be gone. I mean, they will come back to visit, but they will no longer “live” with you. Those battles, which truly are important, will certainly fade away from memory. And you will long for them to be back in the house day after day. Remember that when you are dying on every hill you climb. There might be one or two hills not worth dying on.
