When your kids leave your house, it really is a good thing
Unless your kids leave due to a rebellious spirit and they are spitting in your direction on the way out, when they move out should be a celebration of a phase of life that is complete.
God give us kids. They are our PRIMARY responsibility. Aside from maintaining a relationship with Jesus and keeping the love fresh in your marriage, the job of child-rearing has no equal.
It has no equal in the consumption of time.
It has no equal in the sacrifice of self.
It has no equal in the financial cost.
It has no equal in the emotional drain.
It has no equal in the hours of worry and concern.
It has no equal when it comes to feeling like a failure.
It has no equal in the unbridled JOY they bring.
Indeed, as the psalmists says
As we raise them, we know, at some point, they are going to leave. In fact, that is our goal. We are raising them TO LEAVE. We are raising them to go out and be a positive influence.
The goal in parenting is to raise kids that are a part of the worlds solutions, not the world’s problems.
We are teaching, training, equipping, correcting etc…. with the ultimate goal to SEND them out.
Why is sending them out so hard?
When they do leave, however, its soul crushing.
God gave us 4 kids. 3 of them have moved out. The 4th is not too far behind. After they leave, you loose the daily touch point of minor course corrections and guidance. After they leave you don’t ever really know what time they go to bed. After they leave you don’t really know what they are eating, drinking or watching. After they leave, statistics say, you have used up 93% of all the time you are going to have with your kids. Whoa.
Letting go is just as important to the kids as it is to the parent
As we parents sit quietly in our empty nest, we should know that we are on the minds of our kids as often as they are on ours. But they are not in the same room. We have to trust that what we taught them is enough. They have to trust that they are ready for adulthood.
Big words. Heavy thoughts. All true.
Our 3rd child, Emma, just came home for the summer after one of the best freshmen year experiences we could have ever hoped for. On her first night home, we have this talk.
Dad – “Emma, we understand that you have been 100% independent while away at school. We also understand that you have thrived, made tons of friends, did well in school all while being on a school sports team. We get that you have grown accustomed to living without parental oversight. Our goal this summer is to give you the same freedom that you have EARNED without frustrating you or cramping your schedule. All we ask is that, since you are living at home for 3 months, that you communicate with us about meals. We don’t want to fix supper for you if you are not going to be with us. We don’t want to fix just enough for us if you ARE going to be with us. You have no curfew, no rules, and no chores. However, we expect that you will treat us with the same respect with which we are treating you.”
Mom – “but if you WANT to spend time with us we want you to know we will hang out with you as much as you want.”
Audrey – “Don’t think that just because you are home for 3 months that you can park in my spot.”
Emma – “Its going to be a weird summer.”
They are influenced by us
Regardless of how things like this get handled, this point is true. The 18+years in our house will have an indelible mark on them and they will carry that into their next phase of life.
They are bringing our values, our rules, our traditions with them and putting their unique little twist on them.
That’s okay.
As hard as it is, I realize that giving them space is now more important than continuing to teach. The more space we give them, ironically, the more time they crave. I want them to come back to visit. I want them to make their own path. I want them to fly.
I miss them, too.
Parenting is the most miserably rewarding endeavor ever to penetrate the heart of mankind.
