This post and the next several blog posts will be written for one single purpose: To prove to any reader that I am better than they are. Regardless of who is reading, the evidence will be clear. I imagine this paragraph alone will eliminate some readers who are repulsed by my arrogance. So be it. After 25 blog posts of kindness and gentleness, it was time to spread my wings and be honest. So, read on if you want a taste of what its like to be the best.
I have a better marriage than you do
Marriage is hard – for most people. Not really for me, though. I had a perfect upbringing and marriage was modeled for me perfectly and I was able, from day one, to replicate and improve upon what I was taught.
There are 5 keys to a perfect marriage – all of which I do perfectly
Marriage is almost too easy. Compared to some jobs, vocations or hobbies, marriage only takes 5 things to be perfect. FIVE simple things. Its nothing really. Now I suppose for most people, some or all of these things would be hard, fortunately for me they were not. For those who don’t actually know what they are (you fools) I will jot them down for you here.
Communication
I suppose that talking to one another would help with stuff. Figuring out schedules, talking about finances. Sharing your deepest most secret thoughts with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with – WHATEVER!
That stuff is for insecure babies. Sure, we do that stuff. But not on PURPOSE. Yuck. I believe the best way to communicate with your spouse – you know – the person you are “supposed” to be the most intimate with – is to text.
Sending pithy, silly memes, short, one-word texts and Instagram videos to each other with passive-aggressive messages that after they are offended you can quickly say “I was just kidding”.
For no other reason than we both tolerate coffee, we find ourselves, accidently in the same room every single morning. And, because we are way too cheap to buy a TV for that room, we find ourselves talking about life. I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS. This is an accident. It is weird that we are in the same room every single morning, and its stupid that we wind up talking about our kids, our days, our dreams and our fears, and we make plans for trips to be alone. All of this is simple a waste of time.
The first key to a perfect marriage is communication. And while we go out of town together, and go on boring one-on-one meals all the time, this is not what I mean by communication. What I mean is that the best way to communicate is to send telepathic messages and believe, as I do, they will get the message clearly and perfectly. Send texts in code. Test out their deductive reasoning skills. Stay mad, and make them guess. That is what I do, and my marriage, as you recall, is perfect. The longer you stay mad and don’t tell them, the better.
Service
The second key to a perfect marriage is service. Meaning, your spouse should do everything to serve you. As I have stated clearly, I am better than you. This also means that I am better than my wife. She should allow me to be as selfish as I want.
Now, as truly great as I am, I understand that in public it would not be good for my image if I treated her the way she really deserves. So, if you see us out with the masses, don’t be fooled. When I open the door for her, hold her hand and speak highly of her, and you see it, then you have fallen into my trap. Its just a show.
What a scam I am pulling off. Yes, I “pretend” to get up and turn the air on if she is hot, or the heat on if she is cold, but come on, do you really think I do it? Sucker. I just pretend in case the kids are watching. They somehow have the ridiculous impression that I am crazy, head-over-heels, madly in love with their mom AND, AND that she feels the same way about me! This is a charade I have perfected for 30 years.
Of course I wouldn’t leave work early and take her the lunch she left at home. How dumb would I be? That is something she should do for me. Of course I wouldn’t “help her clean the kitchen”. That is her job. And especially if she made the list, bought the stuff, prepared and cooked the dinner, why wouldn’t she go ahead and clean the kitchen, too? Its her mess. I am to be served. Cleaning the kitchen takes – what – 30 minutes. Compared to all the time to shop, prep and cook. That’s nothing.
Leisure activities
The 3rd key to my perfect marriage is leisure activities. Meaning, we do what I like to do. Period. What I think is fun, we do. What I want to do, we do. When I am done having fun, we go home. Some of MY favorite things to do include but are not limited to:
- Watching romantic/Hallmark movies
- Walking while holding hands
- Putting up my clothes after they have been washed a folded
- Empting out the dishwasher
- Spending hours planning a perfect getaway
- Cleaning the pool and hot tub
- Doing crafts
- Making the bed
- Playing board games
- Accompanying her while she shops for groceries
- Accompanying her while she shops for Christmas
- Accompanying her while she shops for birthdays
- Accompanying her while she shops
- Going to Chicken Salad Chick, Panara Bread or McCallisters for lunch
These leisure actives are my most favorite things to do in the whole wide world and it just so happens she tolerates them enough to make sure I am having fun. My laughter is key to my perfect marriage and these activities, for some reason, tend to create laughter. So, my wife reluctantly goes along. It’s a good thing she does.
Going to bed
Yes, included in the keys to MY perfect marriage is going to bed. I go to bed WHEN I WANT TO. It doesn’t matter when everyone else wants to. Sleep is very important to me and I refuse to be told when to go to bed. What is weird, and unexplainable, and even a little psychopathic, is the fact that in 30 years of marriage we seem to arrive in the bedroom at exactly the same time every single night of our marriage. Every single night. No exceptions. Strange, huh.
I would never recommend that. Its too inconvenient, requires too much back and forth communication and it means that someone (certainly not ME) must compromise when they ACTUALLY WANT to go to bed.
Of course, my wife has been the one who has compromised, not me. As I mentioned before, this is about me and my perfect bedtime – because I am all that matters. When we got married, I preferred to go to bed around 9pm and she, being a night owl, preferred to go to bed at midnight. So, SHE compromised and we have averaged going to bed around 11:30pm. See, I am the priority.
Now, as I said in a previous paragraph, I would NEVER suggest that a couple line up their schedules to brush their teeth, get undressed, snuggle under the covers and experience the quietness and peacefulness of the night – AT THE SAME TIME! How foolish. I am my own man and all that dumb stuff just accidently happened to us.
Don’t be fooled to think that my perfect marriage has anything to do with the increased opportunities for intimate conversation, vulnerability and the other increased opportunities for intimate non-verbal communications. Nope, going to bed when each of you want to is the key, and being as selfish as possible is the master key to a perfect marriage.
Church
I know, I know. Religion is a crutch. I feel the same way. However, in order to be successful in business you have to keep up appearances. One way to do that is to regularly, weekly, consistently, attend a house of worship. The more you can go together, the better your chances of being seen and respected on the surface by other fakers. The reason this is a key to a perfect marriage is simple. It’s important to my wife, and in order to keep up appearances and create an environment where she is able to continue to communicate with me, serve my every need, do all the stuff that I like to do and go to bed when I want to, I have found that she is only really fulfilled and able to do all that stuff after she has been to church.
And while I tried to just let her go by herself, it is simply good for appearances to be seen with her. Sitting with her in the pew and “pretending” to sing and take notes. No one actually learns anything from church. That is why this whole church thing is such a new idea and I am sure it will fade away and will be remembered as a flash-in-the-pan fad, but for now, it gives her energy.
What is weird to me is that no other place does that for her. It’s as if she actually believes what that quack is saying. For appearances only, we made sure that none of our kids sat between us during one of those boring, preaching times. We had to give off the impression that we were each others priority. If the kids sat between us, we reasoned, other on-lookers might catch on to our pretending. So, we made sure to be early. We made sure to make friends. We made sure to act like we were singing and enjoying the service. We made sure to hold hands whenever some slick-haired evangelist would pray. We made sure to give back. We made sure to get involved in a small group.
Now, if you agree with me, all of this is a silly waste of time. It is simply for appearances. I mean, did Jesus really die for you and me and everyone else in the world?
……….
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….anyway, this is all for appearances. And this church thing makes my wife happy, which I don’t really care about EXCEPT that is gives her the energy to complete all the other tasks that make my marriage perfect.
So, I attend. We attend. And if it makes a change in your heart, that’s fine.
Conclusion
So, there you have it. I know that if you are still reading this you feel like you have a long way to go. I don’t even know you, and I agree.
Wait until you read the next 9 entries.
If you have a comment, feel free to leave it below. I love reading how others want what I have. Unfortunately, its pretty impossible.
