How tall you are is a strange thing. Even though you cannot change it, it is somehow a form of pride or shame. Strange. Odd.
Unfortunately for others, I actually AM the perfect height. I am 5’9″. Maybe more like 5’8 1/2″ or if I really stand up straight, I might be almost 5’10”. By most standards, this is considered “average”.
I mock that description. This EXACT range, between 5’8 and 5’10” is ABSOLUTELY the perfect height. This cannot be challenged.
Do you actually need me to “prove” it? Okay, you asked for it.
Check my closet
How is it that every. single. pair. of. pants. in. my. closet. fits. perfectly? Huh? I know, its impossible. But not for me. I am better than you, remember? I don’t have to worry about the length of my pants, slacks or kakis. They all fit – perfectly.
“Ascension Familiarity”
There is a little known term in the world of “I AM BETTER THAN YOU” that most people have never heard of. This term is used only by people with perfect height. The term is “Ascension Familiarity”. This is a skill formed by repeatedly going up and down ladders and step-stools.
To have ascension familiarity you would have to climb ladders or use step stools very often. For almost anything. Changing a light bulb, for example. Men and women who have the terrible disadvantage of being in the category of “Hype-height” – those who happen to fall just above the perfect height range that I am in – can often reach top shelves and change light bulbs WITHOUT the use of a ladder.
So, of course, they get used to that and when its time to get on top of the roof, or go up into the attic, they have no ascension familiarity and they get weak-kneed and often will fail or falter.
Yes, the bigger they are, the harder they fall.
It’s sad, really.
What about those who fall below the perfect height range? Their height has cause to give them an excuse to not even try. You find this often in housewives who are – by definition – lazy. They won’t make the smallest attempt to grab the things they can actually reach, not to mention that they make NO EFFORT to create for themselves ascension familiarity.
Has there ever been a better recording artist in all of human history?
Randy Newman, a man who needs no introduction and has been a household name since 1977 when this absolute classic was released.
short people got, short people got, short people got no reason to live
Randy Newman – 1977 – album Little Criminals
This song is clearly an indictment on those whose height is lower than my perfect range.
Doorways
I fit through them perfectly
Automobiles
I can reach the correct floor pedals on every single vehicle ever made. Try to wrap your mind around that.
Conclusion
This world has conspired to make me perfect. I am the recipient of many things that seem random, but when explained, it is easy to see how my height is superior to all others. In short, (see what I did there?) I am better than you.
