Marriage requires work, but what does that mean?
Getting Married is the easy part
After 30 years of marriage, I look back on our wedding day with great memories, and I am sure it was stressful leading up to the event, with flowers, rented tuxedos, food, photos, family and such, but as stressful as it might have been, that was the easy part.
Marriage is not an event, its a journey. If it were an event, anyone can get excited about an event, muster up the energy to get through it and make sure everything turns out just fine.
But STAYING married, have a thriving marriage, having a marriage that everyone looks up to and wants to have a marriage like yours (at least that is our goal) is NOT at all an event, but it is a long, often lonely, journey.
Why is it lonely?
Great question. First, few, very few couples REALLY, REALLY are willing to put in the effort to have a great, thriving marriage. Most will say that is what they want, but few are willing to put in the effort, to put in the work. So, as a couple, you kinda have to go down that road alone, at least sometimes.
Then, it can be lonely when one or the other of you are dealing with selfishness or are just physically and mentally tired. You don’t have anyone to stand beside you at that moment and say, “listen, I know you aren’t getting exactly what you want at this moment in time, or I know you are weary and out of gas, but the effort, the effort to clean the kitchen when she works late or the effort to put the kids to bed when she is too tired to, or whatever, in the end, it will be worth it.
No, we don’t have a marriage coach telling us that. We don’t have anyone in the kitchen saying “Just make dinner whether you feel like it or not.” It can be lonely – at times.
What is the “work” that everyone talks about?
“Marriage takes work” they say. “Marriage is hard work” they say.
What do “they” mean?
Well, they mean that our own selfish, pitiful, fleshly desires can monopolize our thinking and our minds and we have to fight those off for the overall good of the team.
It means that you no longer get to do what “YOU WANT”, but you do what needs to be done so that both parties are happy.
If you don’t want to go to the super bowl party, but your wife’s best friend is throwing the party and its important to your wife, then the hard work is NOT just giving in or standing your ground. The hard work is ……..actually working it out.
Yes, talking it through like civilized adults (that can be a stretch) and working out a solutions that is good for both parties. No guilt trips, no pouting. An actual resolution. We have named this process in our marriage and refer to it as “Choice C”.
CHOICE “C”
Choice “C” is not the third best option, like picking teams for dodgeball. It’s like the overlooked 3rd option on a multiple choice test.
You feel like you have to choose between Choice “A” – which makes her happy
Or
You choose Choice “B” – which makes him happy.
As a team, you don’t like either choice.
SO, C R E A T E a choice “C”! figure it out. Work through it. Determine a way for both of you to get what you want. This is one of the aspects of “hard work” that seems to elude most marriages. They pick A or B and someone is always mad.
Remember, you are the only 2 people on the team and you are ON THE SAME TEAM!
Marriage partners too often think – even if it is in the subconscious – think of themselves as opponents. What in the world?
Why?
The world conspires against good, or should I say great marriages. Not enough examples out in the world of people doing it right and HOW they are doing it right.
Make a CHOICE “C” is one great way to get on the same page, care about each other and you both can be happy and fulfilled.
